March 7, 2012

One step back, 2 steps forward

I'm probably not going to graduate.
I'm probably going to be ashamed of myself because of that.
I'll probably not be able to forgive myself for some time.

I am so dipshit scared that I am willing to pay someone just to tell me that everything is going to be fine- not that I am rich, just desperate. No one from my batch seems to tell it with conviction anymore. My family is not pressuring me to graduate on time but I am greatly pressured anyway. Kony is abducting children in Uganda and I'm worrying about my thesis. Okay, forgive me, my thoughts are so disorganized  right now. I don't know, it's just that my pride will surely haunt me if things don't turn out well.

I try not to rant to anyone from my batch, or my friends, just because I know that they have their own problems to solve. I can't be a  burden to anyone, but at this rate, I'm going to blow up. I see high school friends who are already celebrating their soon graduation, and I can't help but feel intimidated. You might tell me, if you're so worked up with not graduating, what are you doing here blogging. Well, I can't keep it anymore. I can't contain my feelings for this whole year without telling someone. Who would I tell? Everyone I know are either having the same problems or having bigger problems, and do you expect me to have the face to divulge such rants on these people, of course not.

It's so difficult when you're sad, and you want to cry and you pick up your phone to call someone but suddenly you realize that you cannot think of a name of an actual person whom you could call and talk with without being secretly judged. Oh Arlet, you and your great walls of China and Berlin, and whatever.

Why is it that people find it so difficult to respond? I promise that when I graduate, I'll try to help students by being a respondent for their thesis or whatever, OR if I am really busy, then I'll respond truthfully right away so they won't be given false hope and they can move on. I am so scared that my future does not entirely lie in my hands- yes this is arguable, but spare me the details.

There's no more time. My adviser gave me last Monday as my last day for data gathering, Friday as my deadline for chapters 5 and 6, and 16 as the deadline for edited thesis, and finally 23, as the last day for defense. I did not make the first deadline, and unless everyone I've contacted reply and agree to be interviewed tomorrow, then I can't make it on Friday as well.

Despite all this time constraints, here I am, taking a step back.. because somehow, it's the only way I know that will help me move forward.

I am probably wrong.
But then again, I am probably right.

Let me rephrase my introduction, I am probably not going to graduate on time, but for now, all I can do is to trust my decisions. It will probably fail me, but who else can I trust? I don't want to sound rude but I am not the type who easily connects with a supreme being that's why I need something/someone whom I can firmly believe in and trust fully. It may sound sad, but I can only give that position to myself.

P.S.
No, I am not suicidal, just really sleepy and emotional.
It's March 8 and I have exactly 8 days more for everything.

11 comments:

  1. We'll burn these companies down if they do not respond. And yes, I agree with you on this: "Why is it that people find it so difficult to respond?"

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    1. That will be arson Chris. HAHA it might be a bigger crime than not responding. Let's just try not to make the same doing.

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  2. Oh Arlet, I know how you feel. Tengenuh salamat sa pagpapaalala na 8 days na lang. May pa-order order pa 'ko nang sablay, kulang pa naman respondents ko. Feeling ko kasi deserve ko naman. Haha.

    Isipin mo na lang, mas malaki pa din chance mo kaysa chance ko. Kung ako ayaw pang paawat, ikaw din dapat! Whew. We are all scared. Aal Izz Well.

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    1. Thank you Rz, I know you know how I feel :) we're in the same boat eh. I didn't order pa, tska na lang- mahal eh. Feeling ko naman, we all deserve it eh, but yeah, let's channel that all is well mantra.

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  3. Ang sarap kasi isipin na kasabay ka ng mga friends and classmates mo na mka-graduate. Alam mo sa sarili mo na mkakagraduate ka rin pero ang sama naman isipin na mapapagiwanan ka nila. May parang pa, tell someone, ask for help. Kaya yan!!! :D

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    1. Salamat Henry, exactly my point. I can surely graduate but ... in time or on time, that is the question :) HAHAHA salamat ulit!

      Konting kembot na lang eh, sige na nga, kahit isang backflip pa.

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    2. Haha, mahirap un. Go lang ng Go sa Globe. :D

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  4. I don't know Arlet but I can EXTREMELY relate, given the fact I wasted a year over an unwanted course. Once this month has passed by, I have to trust myself MORE because of this delayed ********.

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    1. Hi Meguru, I don't know what to say because that's a situation I'm not in, however I want you to know na kung kailangan mo ng kainuman/kakwentuhan/kalaro/whatever I'm here. I'm one text/call away :) Pero wag ka ng mala-hinata ng naruto 1st season.. I'm sure you can be greater than hinata shipuuden season (DAFAQ SA NARUTO REFERENCES)

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  5. HAAHHAHA. ansabe ng Naruto references mo? okay salamat arlet. :) I just needed some people to somehow understand me (well if not completely), and good luck on your case! I maybe feeling bad about this but I don't want to drag people down. (Kumbaga parang Sakura lang, inner struggle lang to, HAHA). #animaidens

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    1. Tae, RIGHT SAKURA! well whoever or whatever, we'll always put up a fight. Bahala na who gets there first, team 7 was the last team to finish the 2nd part of chuunin exam anyway. Go meguru! I shall be here to get drunk with you TROLL

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