I'm probably not going to graduate.
I'm probably going to be ashamed of myself because of that.
I'll probably not be able to forgive myself for some time.
I am so dipshit scared that I am willing to pay someone just to tell me that everything is going to be fine- not that I am rich, just desperate. No one from my batch seems to tell it with conviction anymore. My family is not pressuring me to graduate on time but I am greatly pressured anyway. Kony is abducting children in Uganda and I'm worrying about my thesis. Okay, forgive me, my thoughts are so disorganized right now. I don't know, it's just that my pride will surely haunt me if things don't turn out well.
I try not to rant to anyone from my batch, or my friends, just because I know that they have their own problems to solve. I can't be a burden to anyone, but at this rate, I'm going to blow up. I see high school friends who are already celebrating their soon graduation, and I can't help but feel intimidated. You might tell me, if you're so worked up with not graduating, what are you doing here blogging. Well, I can't keep it anymore. I can't contain my feelings for this whole year without telling someone. Who would I tell? Everyone I know are either having the same problems or having bigger problems, and do you expect me to have the face to divulge such rants on these people, of course not.
It's so difficult when you're sad, and you want to cry and you pick up your phone to call someone but suddenly you realize that you cannot think of a name of an actual person whom you could call and talk with without being secretly judged. Oh Arlet, you and your great walls of China and Berlin, and whatever.
Why is it that people find it so difficult to respond? I promise that when I graduate, I'll try to help students by being a respondent for their thesis or whatever, OR if I am really busy, then I'll respond truthfully right away so they won't be given false hope and they can move on. I am so scared that my future does not entirely lie in my hands- yes this is arguable, but spare me the details.
There's no more time. My adviser gave me last Monday as my last day for data gathering, Friday as my deadline for chapters 5 and 6, and 16 as the deadline for edited thesis, and finally 23, as the last day for defense. I did not make the first deadline, and unless everyone I've contacted reply and agree to be interviewed tomorrow, then I can't make it on Friday as well.
Despite all this time constraints, here I am, taking a step back.. because somehow, it's the only way I know that will help me move forward.
I am probably wrong.
But then again, I am probably right.
Let me rephrase my introduction, I am probably not going to graduate on time, but for now, all I can do is to trust my decisions. It will probably fail me, but who else can I trust? I don't want to sound rude but I am not the type who easily connects with a supreme being that's why I need something/someone whom I can firmly believe in and trust fully. It may sound sad, but I can only give that position to myself.
No, I am not suicidal, just really sleepy and emotional.
It's March 8 and I have exactly 8 days more for everything.