June 22, 2013

Unsurprising revelation

It started with me getting pregnant.
And it ended with me losing the baby.

What happened in between was the weird part. When I found out that I was pregnant, it wasn't particularly remarkable. I just couldn't care less. Then when I gave birth to the baby, I was lending it out to people- like it wasn't anything precious. I was handing it to people I didn't even know, or at least people I couldn't recognize or remember at the time. After a while, I lost the baby. I just couldn't remember whom I've given it to. Then, I woke up.

It was my dream last Thursday night.

Upon waking up, I already had an interpretation of the dream. I immediately came up with the conclusion that I'm giving something of high value to just anyone. I was giving away my time to people who don't matter. I was giving away my time to things that aren't important- like I was taking it for granted. I was shortsighted.    

Now let me tell you about my work. I am originally in business development and sales - which I find fulfilling most of the time. But since the company is still relatively small, I am also in accounts, marketing, etc., I get to be berated for things that are oftentimes out of my control. It's similar across industries - according to different business blogs and satirical comics I've been following. You apologize for things that wasn't even your fault in the first place. But you try to solve it anyway because you genuinely care for the business and the clients. You get all worked up trying to solve things- only to realize that your actions are just band-aid solutions. You have to dig deeper, and you need more power to be able to implement the grassroots solutions.

Sadly, you don't have that kind of influence.
You try to suggest anyway.
But your voice gets lost in the voicemail.
That's when it gets clear, you're wasting your time.

Perhaps, it's time I give up this accounts job completely until further notice. I'd rather focus my resources on things that I can influence directly. Otherwise, I'll be having a "lost baby" once again (and I'll hate myself for it.)


It seems that the patriarchal society is deeply ingrained in my unconscious that I equate motherhood/baby to something very precious. I wonder if guys would ever have a similar metaphor.

June 12, 2013

To be truly a free man in a free country

Protect your freedom; get rid of unnecessary commitments and possessions

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are so dangerously close to wanting nothing."

I frequently dream of being a nomad, and occasionally I act upon it by going out at night and taking a very long walk until I get tired (or scared from the unfamiliarity that the night brings). My feet brings me back home because of fear, or because of bracing realization that I have work tomorrow. Lately, this dream happen in my waking life - while commuting, walking home, staring at the computer, talking with clients, etc.

I want to go, and go, and go, until I want to go back, but some socially constructed reality have been solidified in my head, making me think that it is more important to be "successful" than happy - however that plays to be.

I wonder when "this" will end. Oh well, happy independence day to those who truly have it! Careful darling, that can be easily snatched from you. Guard it with your life.